Just finished watching a good movie.
Sometimes I need to be reminded of how many things I have, and how many people I am grateful to for getting to be to whom I am and where I am. I am a single, educated woman living in a foreign country doing my European Voluntary Service. I am not judged by others, and not afraid to live with a man I have no romantic relationship with in the same house. Next week I am traveling to Paris by myself to see a place I’ve never been to before. I need no companion and I bought the plane tickets with my own money. I have read many things about the suffragette’s movement before, and seen movies about their actions in different movies over the years, but sometimes I get caught in my own mind and forget to see the big picture. To enjoy the little moments, sometimes I need to look at the big picture, the world I live in now, and then see myself a bit better. I believe for some it’s hard to be self-reflexive, but for me it’s hard not to be. So much that sometimes I live too much inside my head and too little in the real world.
I question my own existence and its purpose. Nothing new. Not the first to do so as clearly shown by the thousands of philosophical essays and books written over time, but I seem to have difficulties finding a person with the same concerns in Spain. Maybe it is the language barrier that’s the problem, but nonetheless it does make for a lonely time. There’s magic in meeting a person with whom one can converse about the profoundest doubts of live. I was lucky to meet such people in the past, but also terribly unlucky to know that level of connection. I write unlucky, because I know exactly what I am missing right now.
My method of dealing with moments like this is always different. I would love to exercise like crazy. A physical outlet for my troubled mind, but that seems to not be working now. Reading and/or learning is always a good choice, but not something I can keep up for too long right now. I don’t have a lot of work, so I have just enough time to go crazy. Sewing is one of the best things for me, but I can only do it in natural light, and being winter the time for such antique hobbies is short. One of the most common suggestions of friends is to find a guy. Well, that’s definitely not in my hands. I always met people when I least expected and never when I was looking for them. I know how beautiful it can be to share your live with someone significant, but for me it’s never been a personal quest, but rather a chance meeting at an autumn wedding or one of the last days of a sad, sad year.
I know everything I feel is temporary, so I will just take it as a chance to have a glass of wine and write philosophical theories about what it all means. Soon I will find again my rhythm in this crazy, senseless musical that I call my life. Probably I will NOT have a clear purpose for everything, but feeling centered is such a fleeting feeling, that I should think of this moment as the normal. That’s right! Feeling centered is the minority in life. Most of the time, I feel like I am waiting for life to deliver a much expected new life that I have been looking forward to forever. And all of this despite the fact that I know there’s little to no chance of getting one simple solution. I will get a beautiful love story that is meant to last for three months, or friends that will grow apart after a couple of years, or a comfy place I will have to leave for a desired, yet scary new one just as I am getting my footing.
In three days I am leaving for Paris. I will take as little with me as possible. I will walk the streets and museums of Paris alone, and I will let a new place give the energy I am missing right now. I will eat good food, and maybe be the stereotypical Julia Roberts in Eat, Love, Pray. Just eating, loving and praying for my eyes to be open.
P.s. The movie is called Suffragette.