Just a Glance in the Mirror
The way we insist on believing despite every scientific indication that anything in this life time is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change, that is up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it. It can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment, we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment we can be born all over again.
Not so long ago someone said to me that a woman’s life could be divided into three different periods – “before”, “during” and “after”. Let me plunge you into my story and introduce you to the most meaningful journey of my life.
Before…
Would you believe me if I tell you that I was living in a fairy tale? Like those you can only see in the movies and wonder will you be lucky enough to feel just a little bit of the shown happiness, to feel how you are loved every single moment of your routine grey life. Would you believe if I tell you, that I had someone with whom I have experienced the purest most wonderful love that all of us have only dreamed of? I had someone who was showing and teaching me every single day of our five years long relationship what was to be loved and HOW to love unconditionally. She was my first and only love and together we believed, I knew, that we were stronger than every obstacle in our lives. The meaning, the happiness, the joy of my life was in her hands and not for a single moment had I desired something else. She was me and I was her and we had faith in our relationship, in our heaven and none of us could have imagined our lives without each other. And then in the middle of our fairy tale, when I thought that my life could not get better I received another gift from the fate – to go on Erasmus to Austria. We knew that this journey will certainly open a lot of doors such as studying in Germany in future and having the opportunity for a better professional life. But somehow, regardless of her love and support to go, I was horrified, terrified that I was leaving the fairy tale and starting a new journey, a new chapter and the thing that was scaring me the most was that it could be not only a new chapter but a whole new book. Nevertheless I believed her, in her love, in our love and I embraced the opportunity, not only for me but for our future together.
During…
Just in a blink of an eye there I was, completely alone in a new country, surrounded by new people, new opportunities, great adventures that were waiting for me. They were in front of my eyes but all I could see was her. That was how I spent my first month, blinded by love, every single part of me was with her, except my body. Until the moment when she decided to break up with me, to ruin the heaven that we have created and preserved for so long, to ruin us, thus ruining me. She was gone without any further explanations. And then, in the most miserable moments of my life I started realizing how dependent on her I was. My eyes were opened and I saw how lost were I. Have you ever been lost? Have you actually found yourself lost? At that moment I did not know who I really was, what was me without her? I was not alone, but I felt such a pain that it could literally destroy me. I was falling apart, when she – my SPECIAL person, my knight found me. In my darkest, most horrifying hours she came through. A stranger, who understood my thoughts, my actions, who guided me and taught me how to open my eyes, to see this new world, which was in front of me for the whole time. I felt admiration for the strength she possessed, her power to always see the good in life and I wanted to be just at least a little unshakable as her. We started to experience life, to go out with all the friendly people around us, we visited new places, which were breathtaking and step by step we started to see that we are a lot like one another. As time was passing I was gaining my believe back, I started little by little believing her words, that everything happens for a reason and is for the best. Regardless the fresh wound in my chests, my special person – my new best friend showed me that every moment is a gift, that the small things matter the most and should be cherished. She lighted the fire for LIFE in me. But the change is constant and the time to leave Austria had come. We had to go on with our lives, to start new books not only new chapters. I did not want to leave the person I had met but….
After…
Everyone has a shadow and the only way to get rid of a shadow is to “turn off the lights” - to stop running from the darkness and face what you fear your head on.
Again just with a blink of an eye I was in Bulgaria, back to my country, where everything no matter whether it will be a place or a person, everything reminded me of what the period “before” my Erasmus journey was. I was afraid that everything will come back with even greater force. But then I decided to “turn off the lights” and I realized that I have become stronger than I thought I am.
However that only brought up a smile on my face, I knew that I lost so much - despite of all I have loved, nevertheless now I gained much more than I ever will. I found my SPECIAL person, who is positive and believes that the best is yet to come. The best part of this journey is that I will never lose this strong person I met in Austria because all that it takes to see her is just a look in the mirror. Exactly – that special person, that knight is ME. Only after I was fully destroyed and lost, I had the chance to find myself, to build my new positive and loving self and this is one of the greatest feelings. This journey was not only to Austria but to my true self and I will be thankful my whole life for this unforgettable lesson.