Lately I have been haunted by a certain sadness which i had not been able to name or specify. Tonight it then suddenly hit me. While I was crying over old memories and people that I left behind, my fears of the future and missing my cat, I realized. I realized that the reason for the sadness was the thought about the end of my project and everything connected around it.
So here is an insight in my brain, heart, project.
I am really scared and sad.
I don´t want my project to end. I love the animals, love working with the kids and some of them really gained a place in my heart. I care about them as well as about everything and everyone else on the farm. I have been learning so much about so many different kinds of things. I have met so many great people. I have met a friend there which I don´t want to ever miss again in my life as she became really damn important to me. Every day is different. And yes, there are days on which some hours feel like days but those are really rare. Every day is a new chance. I love working in the garden, feeding the animals, stroking them. I love how I can get my mind free by planting vegetables and pulling weeds out of the ground. I love how I can feel the soil between my fingers and get the possibility to work seven hours in a garden which is considered as mine so I can plant in there what I like. I love to teach the kids things, to show them that they are taking seriously by giving them the attention and patience they sometimes need. It makes me happy when I see them light up. When I see them gaining confidence about themselves. I love how every season here has taught me something else. How I have been seeing the trees losing their leaves and now blooming again. How I have the chance to see baby animals being born and growing bigger.
I have been learning so much already and I gained a lot of self-confidence and self-awareness since I am here. I am definitely not the same person anymore and I am happy about that.
I officially still have around four months left but with the summer holidays and me maybe having to leave earlier because of studying it seems like there is not a lot of time left and that is making me sad. It took me some time to get used to the new environment but now I feel that a part of me is belonging there on this little farm in Friesland and I am so happy I got this opportunity to be there.
I am scared because I don´t know how the future will look like. I want to stay in Holland to study, at least that is the plan I am looking for right now, but there is a lot connected to it that is frightening. Being away from home is not what I am referring to. Being away from my cat is, as I really miss her. It is more fear about the unknown. Fear about the exact feelings I will have when I need to leave the farm. Fear of not fitting in where I will be next. Fear of making the wrong decisions. Fear of getting lost, feeling stuck, about being on my own again.
I am also looking forward to the new chapter that is going to come. And I also know that my time here in Hamster Mieden is not over yet. Sometimes it is just overwhelming me.
Throwback to 23.10.2021:
Allein. In einer neuen Umgebung.
Neues Land. Neue Sprache Neue Leute.
Neues Land. Neue Sprache. Neue Leute.
Schönes Land. Tolle Sprache. Neue Leute.
Ich fühle mich allein und fremd und doch