Lately I've been feeling like one of the cars that is stuck in the snow, trying to wheelspin out of it just so I can get a move on in life, but the more I push myself, I get stuck even more. That's how I feel mentally right now. Nothing seems to be working fine: there's always something that's bothering me, not letting me think straight. Work related things, personal stuff, stress in general, everything is just catching up to me. Kind of feels weird writing this and actually posting this over here, but I suppose that during these times I'm not the only one who feels like this - kind of lost in space, not knowing what, when and why is stuff happening.
To be fair, I keep asking myself "Why are you doing this exact thing while you can do a million other things?" at least once a day. It feels like a fight between me and myself. A close fight. One side of me just wants to be left alone in the darkness, while the other side is the real me: joyful, borderline hyperactive and loud. I kinda miss that dude, he was around almost 24/7, but now I kind of feel like I'm just the shadow of him. Walking around with earphones on, listening to my favourite artists, trying to make a come up in life, but everywhere I go, random thoughts just follow me. Maybe it's not that bad but it's tiring. I feel more exhausted mentally thatn physically - from sore muscles after a football practice it just went to sore mind from all the stuff that has been happening lately.
I wouldn't want to say I've lost the fight as it's just the midpoint of my stay in Ostrava, and I'm conifdent that sh*t will work out as usual, but my mind is screaming for a break from everything. I need to regenerate, calm my mind, have a rest and then I can go through everything with passion in my heart and soul.
I miss the good old days, I miss my family, my friends, some other people. I miss fun, I miss excitement, adrenaline and just life in general. Out of all of these things I'm sure I miss myself the most - I miss being him.
I kind of know what I need to do to solve all that and I know it's just a matter of time when sh*t will fall back into its place, but time is money and you can't buy time.
Like I said, it's kind of weird writing this but I just felt like it - I felt like I need to share my thoughts, maybe it could help me personally as writing is one of the things I surprisingly enjoy a lot. It makes me forget about things for a moment and just let my mind do its job.
I hope that everyone who feels similar will find their happy place, but for now I'm just trying to find it myself.
That's about it, thank you for reading this.