I certainly believe that I have an edge towards showing that I am the best, an edge towards perfectionism, an edge to work like a clock. My saying: “You can achieve anything you want if you just try hard enough”. Finding friends and learning a new language also falls under that category.
So, what did I do this first week in Poland? I tried to take everything with me, every experience possible. But additionally, I also tried to make a good first impression on my coordinators and the whole team.
However, I do not understand why because my coordinators do not have any expectations. But it´s me who expects so high of myself. Saying no, accepting my boundaries and being ill-natured sometimes seems to be a weakness in my head. But on the contrary it is human and I can´t flee my own humanity.
Henceforth, even I had to realise again like so many other times before that I have limits and saying no is important. You now might ask yourself what happened? Well honestly not much but a good enough sign for me. And it made me realise that I have to stand to my own fears because this is where my strength lies.
So here they come:
I'm afraid that I won't be able to do everything in this year as best as I can.
I'm afraid that they will be disappointed in my work here.
I'm afraid that I do not know my own limits.
I'm afraid that I won't find any friends.
I'm just afraid that they won't like and accept me like I am.
My mom is right, they took me with my diagnosis, so they know my weakness maybe better than I do. But they still decided to take me in. And I am grateful for that.
So maybe it´s time that I start to accept my weaknesses as what they are, both angels and demons.
My ambition is my arrogance.
My intelligence is my pessimism.
My passion is my obsession.
My courage is my impulsiveness.
My openness is my superficiality.
And my perfectionism is my weakness.
With this I realised that this can be home. This room, this house, this city and this new world and culture. It may take a while for myself to get accustomed here, but it surely will happen.
And I need this “safe heaven”, this quiet.
So yeah, I found a new home a different one than in Berlin, a smaller one and maybe a realer one for myself.
I feel like I finally arrived.