dankbaarheid.

Hey hey, nice to be back for another insight in my life right now. :)

Lately things haven´t been quite easy for me. I am going through a time in my life where I am facing a lot of changes which also mean a lot of personal challenges.
Especially changes within myself – the ones which I am making due to the situation of living in another environment but also the ones I am realising I need to make because I am not happy about certain stuff and not honest enough to myself. The struggles I am having and how to deal with them have made me be pretty focused on myself these days.

I have got the feeling of being stuck at a certain point in my project, where I do feel comfortable because I am starting to know how things work but on the other hand I am not feeling comfortable at all as it seems for me that I am always doing the same stuff, not having enough energy to come up with new projects or to work on my learning objectives because I already need most of my energy just to look out for myself. This feeling put and still puts me under pressure because of course I want to develop in my project, want to learn the language as good as possible, I want to give something back and make my colleagues and the kids happy. I feel like missing on more experiences which I could make if I would put more effort in things and reach out for bigger goals. I feel week and like a loser sometimes, comparing myself to others who seem to get it all right – at their volunteering and also at discovering as much as they can, making more and better memories and friends and just being able to enjoy life better then me. Cause they can and I can not. All of this may seem to make me miserable and yeah, I kind of am sometimes. But you know what? I guess - no I know - that that is okay. I don´t need to be completely okay right now because I am not. I am realising that as soon as people hear or read about unhappy feelings many of them feel the urge of making everything better and chasing those emotions away, so you can be happy and life can, out of a sudden, be alright again. Sometimes I am afraid about expressing myself to other people about how I feel because I am afraid they´d make a connection to themselves, seeing themselves as one reason for my emotions. I don´t want to hurt anyone by being hurt.

Lately I have been able to get to know new sides of me. I have been realising that I am free and that I am able to change because I am strong. I have been putting myself under a lot of pressure and I am starting to see that that is unnecessary because I am working. Working in my voluntary job but right now more importantly on myself. And I am realising about the beauty this volunteering opportunity has. The first months I got to get to know the obvious one: kind people and this nice farm with all its animals. There are so many different opportunities at my project and in this country which has a lot to offer and many things that I still want to see. While being thrown into all of those obvoius aspects of my year abroad, I slightly have begun to change and right now this means that I am putting these things back and I am focusing on me. As much as I never did before. It is damn hurtful but also amazingly fulfilling somehow. And that´s the subtle beauty of ESC which I haven´t seen before. The beauty of pain, doubt and fear about the unknown turned into personal development and growth.

Lately I am realising how lucky I am. I have a great roommate who teached me how to make Arepas (some traditional food from her home), with whom I have great meals and talks with and I can dance to latin music while laughing out loud because my European steps seem so stiff next to hers which are full of latin temper. I have made a great friend to which I feel a really deep connection, as if we would know each other already for ages and with whom I can be so silly in the one and so “all deep talky” in the other moment. I have great colleagues which slowly are turning into friends for me as I getting to know them more and more and really nice hosts who try to make our life here as comfortable as possible and help us whenever we have a problem, taking us seriously whatever small matter it might be. Not forgetting about our dutch teacher with her patience and to whom we can talk, the man from the Drogisterij who always greets us with a smile and all the other people who are interested in getting to know me and help me find my way here.

I have been in quarantine for the last week and all the beterschaps we received, all the loving words, gifts and even flowers have made me so happy and grateful. Isn´t it great to not only be a matter but to actually matter? To be missed and needed because people do care?

Yes, I am not happy right now.
Yes, I am fine with that.
Yes, I feel better already because I am realising about all the things that I have.
No, I don´t know when I will be completely fine.

Yes, I have amazing people around me, supporting and loving friends and family at home and hell of an opportunity here.

Ja, ik ben dankbaar.

Happy Valentines Day everyone!  (May it be Christmas for capitalism but I right now I don´t care about that)

P.S. How come five months already went by? Man, time goes by fast. A year seemed so long in the beginning but as it is almost halfway over now I changed my opinion on this. I am looking forward to any minute left and I am happy about me to cook more than before and starting to join kickboxing lessons here.. I am excited what is more to come and how things will develop.